I like to think the term “Who’s Your Daddy” originated in a strip club when a man turned to a stripper and said “Who’s your daddy and does he know you’re here?” As free thinking hoes we don’t want to see our father’s at our place of work, especially if that place is a strip club. But subconsciously we’re all looking for our father’s love and approval.
Here are 10 Red Flags to look for in a partner to ensure you end up with someone like your dad.
1. He is kind but doesn’t fuck with bad service. It’s date two and chances are you’re at some mid level restaurant. You’re flirting, you're drinking $12 wine and it’s all fun and tapas until the waiter doesn’t refill the waters in a timely manner and then your date turns into daddy. Suddenly the level headed project manager with the cute dog you fell for on Bumble becomes a red faced toddler making unreasonable demands and throwing silverware. The icing on the cake is when he doesn’t tip 20% because the waiter didn’t “earn it.”
2. He doesn’t say I love you, ever. This one is easy to find. Emotionally unavailable men make us all feel safe because it’s familiar. Two years into dating you’re moving in with Joe Shmo and everything is perfect. The place looks great, you’re getting laid less but he does kiss you goodnight. You say I love you and he pretends to be asleep already. This is what dreams are made of!
3. When he says you can be whatever you want to be he just means a mom. Just like your dad, your new guy is super supportive about your career. To a point. Eventually you will be expected to stay home with the little ones, but until then he’s gonna keep showing all of his buddies at work that funny web series you made with your roommate and buy you new headshots for Christmas.
4. He doesn’t think you’re a good driver. Your new guy doesn’t have a car but he loves to comment on how you drive yours. Just like when your dad insisted you learned stick to take your driver’s test as a teen, this new beau will judge your rolling stops and still insist on roadhead.
5. Gay people make him uncomfortable. It’s like finding a double rainbow if you can find a man who’s not only homophobic but also vocal about it. Just like pops. You will now spend the rest of your life apologizing for him. Lucky.
6. He doesn’t trust technology. Now he’s not keeping his money in his mattress, but your boo isn’t gonna download Waze because then the government will know where he is. His fear of robots taking hard working American jobs will make you feel like you’re already home for Thanksgiving with your dad who makes you turn off your smartphone so he doesn’t get cancer.
7. He rocks socks with sandals. It’s just like WHERE-ARE-YOU-GOING? A cold beach? Some venue that doesn’t allow open toes? The guys who rock this look are already dads in their heads. You have a fertility doll in your room and you stopped picking up your birth control because the pharmacist looked at you weird once.
8. He loves football more than you. It’s Sunday and you know who’s not getting laid? You. Cause the game’s on. All he wants is a touchdown and all you want is a touch downtown. The only thing you can do is get on Amazon Prime and order yourself a vibrator. And a jersey. Or you can call your dad and catch up. Oh wait. He won’t answer.
9. He does your taxes for you. That’s actually really nice until he starts judging your bank statements and makes you explain why you spent $65 on a crystal that’s supposed to help you lose weight. Just like your dad, he believes that the man of the house should have sole control over finances and you’re running out of moves you learned from porn to get more allowance.
10. He still doesn’t know your middle name. He finally proposes and when he says your full name he blanks. He looks at your dad who flew in from Florida with your stepmom and he just shrugs. That’s the moment you realize Todd shrugs the same way. They both quote the bible in arguments and they also both do this thing where they fart while maintaining eye contact. You start crying but also nod your head yes and now you’ve made your choice.
At least you’ll be able to register for some cool shit.
Bottom line, next Father’s Day is June 21st 2020. So ladies start swiping and keep your eyes peeled. It shouldn’t be that hard.