A guide to why women shouldn't vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton / by Casey Whitaker

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So that crazy woman Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States of America again. To help spread awareness about what a horrible idea this is, here are just a few of hundreds of reasons why women shouldn’t vote for Hillary Clinton. Please get educated ladies; we need to like stick together on this.

She’s a bitch

Straight up. This lady is all about getting things done and taking names. That’s why her face is so wrinkled—’cause, like, while the rest of us were getting eight hours of sleep and dabbing on eye cream, she was reforming health care or championing women’s rights.

She’s not qualified

Sure, she’s one of the most influential first ladies in American history, and yeah, she was the first female senator for New York, and OK, she also served as the 67th Secretary of State ... but so what? None of these things could possibly compare to likely Republican candidates like physician Dr. Ben Carson or businessman Mark Everson. I like the word “businessman.” The end of the word is man. Period.

She’s not a good role model or mom or grandmother

First off, she has a career, which means she’s obviously a bad parent. It’s insane to think that certain women choose to make their own money and pursue their own dreams when their husbands have dreams and their kids have dreams. Probably. And after her daughter, who somehow turned out OK without her mom being home at all times, has her own kid, what does Hillary do? She gets out on the campaign trail to ensure a world in which her granddaughter would want to grow up instead of helping with the baby! Babies need help! They are small and dumb.

She’s not relatable

Like at all. Especially for women. How can we relate to someone who went to college? Or got married? Or had a kid? Or pursued greatness? Really? I don’t think so. I also don’t know any other women whose husbands have strayed. That, like, never happens. Also, my hair is brown, and hers is kinda blonde, so once again we have nothing in common.

She has no sense of humor or charm

Just look at the facts. She never smiles. And you probably need supporters to run for president. Last time she tried this in 2008, she got what, only 18 million supporters? That’s nothing.

She stands for nothing since there’s no glass ceiling to break

Since the beginning of time, men and women have been treated the same. Or at least, it’s been that way here in America! For ignorant women who think that we make 70 cents to every man’s dollar, check your paycheck again.

She makes us feel stupid

She’s super educated, and it’s just really annoying. The point of college for women is to meet a husband, and Mrs. Clinton didn’t find one until law school! Epic fail. And she’s done all this stuff and thinks she knows everything about foreign policy and blah blah blah. Send Hillary back to the kitchen. Or I guess show her where it is for the first time.

 

 

Casey Whitaker is a member of The Second City Touring Company. Follow her on Twitter at @CaseyHitaker or visit her website. Get more at secondcitynetwork.com.